No More Beginnings

Showers and scattered t-storms started Tuesday morning. By 8AM the sun was poking through the clouds that were wafting overhead. The fresh leaves of Spring had been washed of the yellow pine pollen that had coated everything exposed to the outside elements.

By 9:30 the hurry and rush of preparing my mom for her chemotherapy appointment at 10 was settling down as she and her partner, Tim, pulled out of the driveway. I had the house alone to myself but my heart was pounding as I thought through the remainder of the day ahead.

Would mom be strong enough for chemo today? Would this be the last treatment for her?

The Dogwoods were shining brightly and the neighbor's pink azaleas were ablaze in blooms as the sky was now clear. It was the prettiest day this Spring, a post card moment.

Mom gave it her best shot at beating her second battle with cancer. She had won the first time in 1996. In 2003 her cancer returned. She tried everything and more to celebrate another victory against this horrible disease. Yesterday her treatment ended. She will have no more chemotherapy, no further treatment to prolong her life in order to beat the disease. Her doctors refused to treat her further. Now she is technically considered "terminal."

I still am not sure if she was ready yesterday to stop all treatment. I know she was wavering on the decision to go on but when 9 AM came yesterday she attempted it one more time. She squeezed another ounce of energy from her frail body to get in the wheel chair and try and live by beating her cancer. She arrived back home yesterday afternoon with the confirmation of our family's worst fears that she is going to die.

Per her wishes and that of my family she will end living at home and in her bed. She will be surrounded by decorations she purchased that hang on the walls that she painted. She will be with us and her beloved Boston Terrier named Buggs until the end. We have hospice nurses to aid us in comforting her. We don't know how long we have with her. She is still alive as I write this but from her condition I know that she is hanging on by a frayed thread to life. I hope death comes and takes her peacefully. She is ready and I am not.

I look around and see unfinished projects in her life, there are still beginnings but she will not have the endings. Spring is her favorite season. She will not plant any seeds this year and smell the blooms of new beginnings. She will never do that again.

I know I am selfish because I feel the best part of my life is leaving me and I can't stop it and neither can she.

Later yesterday once mom was back in bed, the clouds returned and the rain poured.